An Impermanent Haircut
"I never run for anyone else / It's just a thing I do for myself."
Last November 2023, I went for a run, on the same trail I have spent countless miles trotting while organizing (or ignoring) the unkempt jungle of thoughts in my head. I know every crack, bump, bush, and pile of dogshit of this trail. I recognize the people that I pass, most of whom I have never actually met. I pass the same brewery I have spent many hours in undoing any good a run has given me.
Maybe you have a trail or road like this too, a running haven, where no matter how long you’ve been away, the road will always be there to meet you like an old friend ready to pick up the conversation where you last left off.
I love this trail, but when I went for my first run since my wife and I welcomed our firstborn into the world in late 2023, I didn’t recognize anything around me. In the time since I last ran, all the trees, bushes, and plants had been deliberately removed, chopped down, and destroyed. What was once a lush row of beautiful greenery was now a gray post-apocalyptic landscape of sawdust and tree stumps. The trail was bare and depressing. It was irreplaceably changed. I felt hurt and betrayed, like I was the one personally attacked. Why the hell would anyone want to come in and needlessly destroy my little sanctuary?
I’m not good with change. Try as I might, I push against it but it’s like trying to stop the tide from coming in with a shovel and pail. My life has changed in oh so many ways this year. They say having a kid and moving to a new home are some of the most stressful life changes a person can experience, and lucky me got the sicko experience of both this year. I’m a dad, which is fucking weird! I have dad skills! I have dad breath! I have even more anxiety! I got it all!
I am also no longer a northeasterner. I now live in the south, in North Carolina, closer to family but further from everything I’ve known for my 35 years on earth. Suddenly, my barbeque skills are subpar (well, they always have been, but the amateurism on the smoker stands out more down here). There is more country music here than a dang bachelorette party in Nashville. I even have to watch out for copperhead snakes now, do you believe this shit?
Both events have flipped my life upside down. I feel like a different person. Fatherhood has given me so much but it has also taken away something things, like free time. I just don’t have it anymore. That’s to be expected, of course, but it’s something I’ve had to adjust to. Because in order to find time to write or create, you need free time, and unfortunately in this world where your day job takes up half your time, I haven’t had the mental capacity or energy to fully devote to any passion projects. Which sucks, but it is what it is right now. But I still have the itch to write, but I think I’m done writing about running. I’ve changed so much since I started this Substack, and now I think it’s time for this Substack to change along with me.
When I started Running on Nothing in 2021, it was a way for me to channel my pandemic-induced antsy-ness into something creative and worthwhile. I wanted to combine my love for music and writing into something interesting for people to read. I never hid the fact that I was very much an amateur runner, and while running and the people who are really good at it is still a fascinating subject for me, I think I put too much pressure on myself to find some sort of good story out of it for every blog post. It got to a point where I thought I was a shitty runner for not pushing myself further and to run longer. I lost the will and mental capacity to write on here because I didn’t know what to write about other than my shitty 3 mile runs. Don’t get me wrong, even running 1 mile can be an accomplishment, but for me, I didn’t think it was worth writing about.
I love writing. I love finding the right combination of words and sentences, and how a word or a phrase can stop you in your tracks. It’s fun, and like running, writing is something you need to keep up in order to stay in shape. At this point, I no longer want to pigeon hole myself on here. So, from here on out, Running on Nothing will be a place for me to write about music or running or whatever else happens to be on my mind when I find the time to write. I can make Running on Nothing whatever I want it to be I suppose, as long as it’s interesting and fun. (I’m also gonna keep the name “Running on Nothing” because I like it.) I don’t really have a hook beyond that other than that this is me, and if you like what you have read from me here and/or elsewhere, I hope you’ll join me moving forward.
Last month, I returned to Philadelphia for a day. I went for a run, on the same trail, among the same faceless people, lost in the same thoughts as always. And once again, the trail looked different. The greenery had grown back, oh maybe not as robust as before, but it was no longer the dead, barren landscape it was a year before. Turns out, the trail just needed a haircut. What my sleep-deprived brain did not understand the year prior was the obvious truth that shit can always grow back. A haircut is a change, not a permanent adjustment.
On this run, I noticed the view of the Schuylkill River was clearer, untarnished by overgrown weeds and branches. There were new vantage points of the river that didn’t exist before the trail had a haircut. I could clearly see the ‘s’ shaped bend hugging the miniature cliffs off the highway. The sunset shimmered brighter than it had before, and the blue sky felt more vibrant. I had a great run. I couldn’t complain.
—
Running On Nothing’s Best of 2024
Songs
(NOTE: there are SO many songs I wanted to pick, so here are 20 unranked.)
Blondshell - “Docket” (feat. Bully)
Cloud Nothings - “Running Through the Campus”
DIIV - “Frog Boiling In Water”
Eliza Hardy Jones - “Counterfeit”
Finnogun’s Wake - “Blue Skies”
Fontaines D.C. - “Favourite”
Jack White - “That’s How I’m Feeling”
Jaime xx - “All You Children” (feat. The Avalanches)
Japandroids - “Alice”
Johnny Blue Skies - “Mint Tea”
Kendrick Lamar - “Not Like Us”
Liquid Mike - “K2”
Los Campesinos! - “0898 HEARTACHE”
MJ Lenderman - “She’s Leaving You”
Nilufer Yanya - “Like I Say (I runaway)”
Pearl Jam - “Wreckage”
Waxahatchee - “Right Back to It” (feat. MJ Lenderman)
Wild Pink - “Sprinter’s Brain”
Wishy - “Love on the Outside”
Zach Bryan - “Oak Island”
Albums
25. Ducks Ltd - Harm's Way
24. Glitterrer - Rationale
23. Rick White and the Sadies - s/t
22. Eliza Hardy Jones - Pickpocket
21. Bad Moves - Wearing Out the Refrain
20. Jack White - No Name
19. Japandroids - Fate & Alcohol
18. Oso Oso - Life Til Bones
17. Trace Mountains - Into the Burning Blue
16. Good Looks - Lived Here For a While
15. Future Islands - People Who Aren't There Anymore
14. Charli XCX - brat
13. Waxahatchee - Tigers Blood
12. Cloud Nothings - Final Summer
11. Father John Misty - Mahashmashana
10. High Vis - Guided Tour
9. DIIV - Frog in Boiling Water
8. MJ Lenderman - Manning Fireworks
7. Jamie XX - In Waves
6. Wild Pink - Dulling the Horns
5. Los Campesinos! - All Hell
4. Wishy - Triple Seven
3. Johnny Blue Skies - Passage Du Desir
2. Fontaines DC - Romance
1. Liquid Mike - Paul Bunyan's Sling Shot
What can I say about this album and this band that I haven’t already before? I love Liquid Mike and Paul Bunyan’s Sling Shot. It’s the most fun I’ve had listening to any album this year. Those first three tracks are an absolutely adrenaline rush. Reminds me of the first time I heard Sleigh Bells’ Treats, where every song feels like it’ll blow out your speakers in the best way.
Aaaand here’s a playlist of all the best stuff I listened to this year: